Darth Vader

Darth Vader has moved into my home, more specifically into my kitchen.  It all began several weeks ago.  I began noticing puddles on my kitchen counter. I found this to be a big problem, as this counter is used for piling the kid’s homework and their plethora of artwork. One time, the coffee maker overflowed, causing this ever changing pile to get all wet and coffee stained, Everything looked like it was 200 years old, after it dried out, brown with age.  I was really disappointed.  I really love my children’s artwork.  We save it, frame it, the works.

From that day forward, I never used the programmable automatic start on the coffee maker again.  I hung around as it brewed. Now, there are puddles.  This is not good.  The decision is made.  It is time for a new coffee maker.

After an hour at Sears in the coffee maker aisle, the children had long since used up all of their energy running around the nearby aisles.  Now, they lay there in the aisle, not quietly, much to my dismay.  They continue to whine and complain, and I could swear I saw an actual tear in the eight year olds eye. My husband and I were forced into what I would still consider to be a hasty decision, an hour later. I was still sufficiently irritated that they did not have an equal replacement for our old leaking coffee maker.  All we wanted was a white 10 to 12 cup coffee maker with a removable coffee chamber and a removable top water chamber. That is it, that’s the wish list.

But, no, no white coffee makers are here at all. Yes, the coffee chamber comes out, but you cannot put it on the counter, as it  tips severely to the side because of a structure jetting out on the bottom. So, you have to hold it with one hand while scooping coffee into it with the other hand.  What is the point of it even coming out? Our old one comes out and sits nicely on the counter, being a good patient while I fit it with its paper robe and scoop in the coffee grounds.

Now, about the removable water chamber on the top. With the old coffee maker, you simply lift the handle and carry the water chamber over to the sink to fill to the desired level, 10 cups for me, by putting the chamber under the faucet. Some of these new coffeemakers have removable chambers, but they are in the back.  You need to slide the coffee maker out, turn it around, and proceed to hold the coffee maker down with one hand while extracting the water chamber with the other hand. This would be a doable job, that is if I had a Pitocin drip and forceps to move the chamber along. (For those of you who do not know what those things are, ask your mother. If you have kids and still don’t know, then you may need to Google it).

Now, the color. Not one white coffee maker in sight.  Many are a combination of stainless steel with black accents, or all black. This decision is easy; black it is.  Let’s skip the Crime Scene Investigation with all the fingerprints that would get on the stainless steel. But, all of our other appliances are white, particularly the toaster that sits right next to it.  I start thinking about a black toaster.  Yes, what a nice pair they would make.

My husband and I wander to the toaster aisle.  The children’s whines getting louder thrust us back on track.  Must get coffee maker, must get coffee maker.

We select a black one, skip the removable water chamber, as we have no forceps and don’t know any prescribers for the Pitocin that would be needed for the chamber removal.

That night, with a twinge of sadness, I carefully place the old coffee maker in the garbage. We have had that coffee maker since we moved into our home 12 years ago, probably even before that.  After our goodbyes, I set the new coffee maker on the counter. It looks very different. I like its slimmer design, which leaves more counter space. I am unsure about its contrast color-wise, though.

I follow the directions in the box to brew my first pot of coffee.  I am frustrated at the coffee chamber. It comes out, but it does not stand freely on the counter.  Again, what is the point of it even coming out?  I put it back in and fill it with coffee.   Then I use the coffee pot to fill the water chamber. I hit the on button. That is good; a simple on switch is what I like and need. In about three minutes, the coffee maker starts huffing and puffing, yes, like Darth Vader.  My five year old is in utter disbelief. “Why does that have to be so loud?’  He has put my thoughts into words.  Finally, Darth Vader has finished his speech and silence falls upon the kitchen.

Time to pour the first cup.  A large puddle of coffee spills from the coffee pot as I pour. Oh, great, yet another consideration to finesse. You cannot pour too fast, too slow, or at a certain angle, or the coffee will spill. Thanks, Darth Vader.

It’s time to open the top and take the old coffee grounds out. I quickly drop it closed to avoid a third degree steam burn.  I look carefully and find the small round tab to use to avoid such a fate.  I lift the cover on top up carefully, but still flip it up just in case.  And don’t you know, with the top open tall like that,  that coffee maker looks just like Darth Vader with a round glass belly, pot handle like his hand resting authoritatively on his side, waterspout short like his dismembered arm. Unbelievable, it really is Darth Vader, here in my kitchen.

So, I decide to keep Darth Vader in my home for at least another week, to give Mr. Vader a chance. I will work with his idiosyncrasies.

So, back out to get Darth Vader some company. This time,  I go alone.  I find a simple black toaster, two slots. I bring it home and settle it in next to Darth Vader. For a moment, I think the toaster could be Luke Skywalker. Let’s hope that appliance doesn’t have a green beam of light that shoots from it!  That is not a good sign for a toaster.

Perhaps one day,  one of Darth Vader’s brew cycles will be a confession to my toaster, Luke Skywalker, right there in my kitchen.  Until then, Darth Vader huffs and puffs, twice a day, the rest of the time, stands quietly at attention the rest of the time.


About robin swetz

I am a creative writer that enjoys the simple things in life. I really connect with humor and really like making observations and writing about them with an overlay of humor. Its what makes my world go around.,
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